After what many biased fans considered a terribly officiated series, the NHL even became suspicious of the Pittsburgh Penguins when several players and head coach, Michel Therrien, filed for bankruptcy the day after the series ended. The NHL was concerned that the organization had been bribing referees in order to win games and were fearful that the scandal may actually draw some kind of attention to their sport. The League demanded that a full-scale investigation be launched.
Although the investigation is still underway, a questionable source has revealed that some information has already been uncovered. Referee Dan O’Halloran was unable to be contacted for questioning on the matter. When investigators appeared at his home to apprehend him they found it to be completely abandoned. FBI records show that he was on a plane headed for the Caribbean but has not been heard from by friends or family since Wednesday night.
In addition, an auction on ebay.com was apparently posted by Sidney Crosby on the afternoon of Game 1 of the series, anticipating a four game sweep of the Red Wings, to help reimburse the team for the money given to the referees.
Other items up for sale include game-worn equipment.
The accused maintain that they have committed no crimes. Therrien, whose devastation has amused devoted hockey fans for years, issued this statement, outside of an American Red Cross Blood Donation Clinic, regarding the matter:
The most intense jowls you will ever encounter.
”I rish I had a buck! I rood go round block ride! Gung-ree. I vood or-bob-lee uff gawl over and err-teck my piss. Hats prob-nob-ult.”
Note: Statement has been phonetically transcribed. He incomprehensibly muttered for about five minutes before being rushed to a hospital to have seven of the eight pints of blood he donated injected back into his bloodstream. He was promptly asked to return the money he was paid for the seven pints returned to him.
Therrien has also been deviating from his usual style of dress. He generally wears a suit, as seen in the picture above, but lately he has been seen dressing much more casually. Some speculate that this is because he has had to pawn his clothing.
"What, it's comfy!"
However, the conspicuous behavior has not been limited just to Coach Therrien. The Penguins captain and high-school student, 17-year-old Sidney Crosby, has also been inspiring some suspicion. This year he made a base salary of $850,000, and after incentives, bonuses, advertising deals and his allowance for chores and good grades, he made over $3.5 million. However, it was recently discovered that the 15-year-old NHL superstar attained a summer job at Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwiches.
“It’s just a fun place to work,” said Crosby, in response to being asked why he was choosing to work a minimum wage job after making several million dollars this year. “I mean, 3.5 million dollars in a year seems like a lot, but it doesn’t hurt to have a little extra cash in your pocket. I’m allowed to ask for a raise in a month. And plus I get discounts!”
The head manager of the store, Andrew Turgeon, is thrilled to have “Sid the Kid” working at his restaurant. “It’s really been great for business,” Turgeon commented. “We’ve been having specials every Friday where we offer 87 cent Arby’s Melts. He works a 10-hour shift that day. Kid’s a really hard worker.”
Turgeon has also been utilizing other strategies to generate revenue, even taking an idea from amusement parks. “Well, one day I saw this picture of my wife and me at Cedar Point of us on The Raptor. Then I thought to myself, ‘people would pay for a picture of them with Sid.’ So I started printing still photos off of the security cameras with him at the cash register and selling them to people like after you get off a roller coaster. With the way things are going, this is going to be our most profitable quarter ever.”
Despite the continued inquisitions, 16-year-old Crosby insists that this is just a learning experience and that he did not offer any money to the referees. “Cheap food and extra money? How could I pass it up?! I’m trying to get Gino (teammate Evgeni Malkin) a job here, too!”
Thanks to Mikey for the second Therrien picture and your continued collaboration.
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