R.I.P George Carlin

Comedian George Carlin died Sunday, June 22, of heart failure at the age of 71. There is little that needs to be said about a man whose career spanned five decades, more than 20 albums, more than a dozen HBO specials and four books. He was widely regarded as one of, if not the best comedian, of all time. He was adored by millions, and will certainly be missed.

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
-G.C.

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Pittsburgh Penguins Under Suspicion of Illicit Activities Following Playoffs

The Detroit Red Wings won their 11th Stanley Cup in franchise history, and their fourth in just the past 11 years, after beating the Pittsburgh Penguins on Wednesday night in game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals. As celebrations were beginning in Detroit a different story was developing in Pittsburgh…

After what many biased fans considered a terribly officiated series, the NHL even became suspicious of the Pittsburgh Penguins when several players and head coach, Michel Therrien, filed for bankruptcy the day after the series ended. The NHL was concerned that the organization had been bribing referees in order to win games and were fearful that the scandal may actually draw some kind of attention to their sport. The League demanded that a full-scale investigation be launched.

Although the investigation is still underway, a questionable source has revealed that some information has already been uncovered. Referee Dan O’Halloran was unable to be contacted for questioning on the matter. When investigators appeared at his home to apprehend him they found it to be completely abandoned. FBI records show that he was on a plane headed for the Caribbean but has not been heard from by friends or family since Wednesday night.

In addition, an auction on ebay.com was apparently posted by Sidney Crosby on the afternoon of Game 1 of the series, anticipating a four game sweep of the Red Wings, to help reimburse the team for the money given to the referees.

Other items up for sale include game-worn equipment.


The accused maintain that they have committed no crimes. Therrien, whose devastation has amused devoted hockey fans for years, issued this statement, outside of an American Red Cross Blood Donation Clinic, regarding the matter:




The most intense jowls you will ever encounter.

”I rish I had a buck! I rood go round block ride! Gung-ree. I vood or-bob-lee uff gawl over and err-teck my piss. Hats prob-nob-ult.”

Note: Statement has been phonetically transcribed. He incomprehensibly muttered for about five minutes before being rushed to a hospital to have seven of the eight pints of blood he donated injected back into his bloodstream. He was promptly asked to return the money he was paid for the seven pints returned to him.

Therrien has also been deviating from his usual style of dress. He generally wears a suit, as seen in the picture above, but lately he has been seen dressing much more casually. Some speculate that this is because he has had to pawn his clothing.




"What, it's comfy!"


However, the conspicuous behavior has not been limited just to Coach Therrien. The Penguins captain and high-school student, 17-year-old Sidney Crosby, has also been inspiring some suspicion. This year he made a base salary of $850,000, and after incentives, bonuses, advertising deals and his allowance for chores and good grades, he made over $3.5 million. However, it was recently discovered that the 15-year-old NHL superstar attained a summer job at Arby’s Roast Beef Sandwiches.

“It’s just a fun place to work,” said Crosby, in response to being asked why he was choosing to work a minimum wage job after making several million dollars this year. “I mean, 3.5 million dollars in a year seems like a lot, but it doesn’t hurt to have a little extra cash in your pocket. I’m allowed to ask for a raise in a month. And plus I get discounts!”

The head manager of the store, Andrew Turgeon, is thrilled to have “Sid the Kid” working at his restaurant. “It’s really been great for business,” Turgeon commented. “We’ve been having specials every Friday where we offer 87 cent Arby’s Melts. He works a 10-hour shift that day. Kid’s a really hard worker.”

Turgeon has also been utilizing other strategies to generate revenue, even taking an idea from amusement parks. “Well, one day I saw this picture of my wife and me at Cedar Point of us on The Raptor. Then I thought to myself, ‘people would pay for a picture of them with Sid.’ So I started printing still photos off of the security cameras with him at the cash register and selling them to people like after you get off a roller coaster. With the way things are going, this is going to be our most profitable quarter ever.”

Despite the continued inquisitions, 16-year-old Crosby insists that this is just a learning experience and that he did not offer any money to the referees. “Cheap food and extra money? How could I pass it up?! I’m trying to get Gino (teammate Evgeni Malkin) a job here, too!”

Thanks to Mikey for the second Therrien picture and your continued collaboration.

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Wings Go Into Game 5 Winning Series 3-1

Four games into the Stanley Cup Finals the Detroit Red Wings lead the Pittsburgh Penguins 3 games to 1 in the best of 7 series. Detroit started the series off by posting back-to-back shutouts at home, winning games one and two with scores of 4-0 and 3-0, respectively. In game 2 the Penguins were noticeably frustrated, as they resorted to cheap shots on the Wings’ star players, including Henrik Zetterberg and Johan Franzen. These attacks were reciprocated by an unlikely person; star forward Pavel Datsyuk, who is also a ninja in the off-season. After his linemate, Zetterberg, was the recipient of a late hit from Ryan Malone after a play ended, Datsyuk teleported himself over there and started pummeling Malone. Johan Franzen, who had just returned to the lineup after missing six games with headaches and concussion-like symptoms, was punched in the head by Penguins veteran Gary Roberts. Then, with just over a minute remaining in the game, Petr Sykora ran into Wings goalie Chris Osgood. Then I’m pretty sure Sykora threatened to kill Osgood’s dog and then eat his children. In the scrum that followed, Datsyuk got revenge for Franzen by beating Roberts into submission. But after completely dominating at home, the Wings were headed to Pittsburgh, where the Penguins have been impeccable.

The Penguins bounced back in game 3, narrowly defeating Detroit 3-2, but after that game it wasn’t just the players that were surprised by Detroit’s speed. Several Pittsburgh cameramen were left confused, and some injured, after game 3. During games broadcast on NBC, they occasionally mention, between Edge Shave Gel advertisements, that they have Iso-Cams that you can watch on their website. These cameras follow around the star players while they are on the ice. During game three, they had a dedicated camera following Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk for Detroit, and Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin for Pittsburgh. Steven Porter, 37-year-old Pittsburgh native, was the unfortunate soul that was chosen to follow Datsyuk. Porter has been a professional cameraman for a decade and a half, but said he had never encountered anything like Datsyuk.

“It was really weird,” said Porter, dressed in a standard issue hospital gown. “Things were going well for me that day. My wife made me a nice breakfast. We had intercourse before the kids got home from school. But then the game started.”

Porter was experienced with NBC’s Iso-Cam, having done it for previous Pittsburgh home games throughout the playoffs. “It was always really simple. Just follow the player around the ice and then when he’s on the bench, follow a different guy until your guy comes back on. But that Pavel guy, I didn’t know what to do. I’d be following him and then he’d seemingly just disappear out of frame. A few times I swear I saw him throw something, and then there’d be a flash of light and a little puff of smoke, and then he’d be gone. I’d look all around and he’d somehow be on the complete opposite side of the ice. I didn’t know what was happening.”

During the first intermission Porter tried to calm himself down by doing some breathing exercises and drinking a few cups of water. He talked to Chris Dulsen, the person in charge of the broadcast, and told him that he thought there was something wrong with his camera.

“He was really frantic,” said Dulsen. “He was talking really fast, seemed really nervous, looked like his hand was shaking a little bit. Kept saying stuff about smoke and flashes of light on the ice, and this guy kept teleporting or time-traveling or something. I was kind of concerned.”

Porter’s camera was replaced for the second period and he returned to his post, confident that it was the camera that was causing the issues. But unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the end of his problems.

“They were warming up a bit before the second period started and I was just watching this guy skate around,” continued Porter. “That was when I started to get really paranoid. I mean, I’m sitting here watching this guy, but it felt like someone was watching me. I mean, this is the NHL, nobody was even watching my camera online, let alone watching me. And then I just felt really terrified.”

Porter tried to rationalize the situation and managed to calm himself down a bit a few minutes into the second period. However, things took a turn for the worse for him shortly after when Datsyuk stole the puck at neutral ice and then gained the offensive zone.

“I couldn’t cope,” said Porter. “He was all over the place, completely sporadic. I saw him weaving in and out of guys, I’d lose him for a second, then I’d think I had him again, but it was always someone else, then I would look at the ice and he would be way over somewhere else. And that’s when he looked at me.”

Porter claims that Datsyuk was attempting to deke around at least three opposing players, but then stop and looked directly at him. Porter described Datsyuk’s eyes as “a black and devoid nebulous.” Porter then fainted and was unconscious for a short time. When he woke he was rushed to St. Francis Central Hospital. Witnesses described Porter as “possessed” and said that he “was rambling in foreign tongue.” At the hospital he was administered chlorpromazine, a drug used to treat schizophrenia, and then became unconscious again shortly thereafter. When he woke he did not know where he was or how he got there, but his recollection of the incident has been returning.

“When I looked into his eyes and fainted… I saw… things. They were… it was just… unimaginable horror…”

At that point in the interview he began weeping and exited the room. Porter is still being held at the hospital for psychiatric evaluation. The fifth, and likely final, game of the series is tonight at 8 P.M.

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