My life is generally quite mundane and I rarely do anything outside of sitting around my house on the computer or hanging out with the usual crew. However, a few things quite out of the ordinary have taken place the last few days. Thursday was supposed to be pretty normal and boring, but turned out to be quite disastrous. It was originally supposed to be just a couple good friends of mine and me playing some video games and having a couple drinks, but things got extremely out of hand. I don't want to go into many details on such a public forum (I realize the absurdity and inaccuracy of that phrase in this context), but I will say that there was a bit of damage done to my house and person, and the police were forced to become involved.
Fortunately, Friday night was much better. Just in case someone reading this has not already been introduced to Arrested Development by me, or at least hasn't heard me talk about the show, then I will tell you now; it is the greatest thing ever grace a television screen. It's a television show that was, unfortunately, aired on Fox for three seasons (2003 - 2006). It's hard to provide a satisfactory description of the show because it has so much going on in it, but essentially it's about the perfectly dysfunctional Bluth family. If you have never seen it then you should find a way to watch it. I cannot recommend it highly enough. You can even legally watch episodes online here. Anyway, I have every intention of eventually writing a (probably rather lengthy) article about the show, so I'll save that for a later time. The reason I mentioned it is because there are a couple independent filmmakers that are also huge fans of the show and decided to make a documentary about the show. Basically they've been travelling the country interviewing fans of the show and any cast and crew they've been able to get in contact with about the show. Well, they've been doing that since mid-October 2007, and they just finally arrived in Michigan to interview fans here. They got here Friday evening and I had scheduled to interview with them that night. Mikey and Scott, two friends of mine that I got addicted to the show, went with me to interview as well. We met them at their hotel room in Southfield a bit after 10 o'clock. The two guys running this whole operation are Neil and Jeff who are just good friends and fanatics of the show like my friends and I. As soon as we met them we all got along very well, which is a bit strange for us. I am usually very shy, as are my friends, and we don't often interact with outsiders, which we usually refer to as "the normals." But going into the situation acknowledging the common ground made things much easier. After we had completed our formal introductions, he began explaining how things were going to work, gave us the release form to look over and sign, and gave us each a business card.
"It wasn’t really the pronunciation that bothered me."
Their actual business information was on the reverse side, but for those of you unaware, that is a joke from the show. After he explains how things are going to work and tells us a few of the questions he'll be asking we found out that they can only interview two people at a time which meant that one of us would have to go alone. We all kind of awkwardly stood around staring at each other trying to decide which of us it would be until finally Scott decided to suck it and take a chubby (that line is also a joke from the show) and offered to be the one to go on his own.
Mikey and I were up first. Neil asked us questions while Jeff ran the cameras. He asked us our favorite character, favorite episode, why we thought the show was unique, and several other questions. It went pretty well, but there were a few questions that we kind of blanked on since we didn't know we would be asked about them. After that Scott went and was asked pretty much the same questions. But, ironically, the discussion about the show really picked up after the cameras stopped rolling. Perhaps it was just because there was no pressure since we knew we weren't being taped anymore, but we started quoting a plethora of memorable lines from the show and talking about all the subtle jokes. It was a pretty typical conversation since that happens quite often when I'm hanging out with Mikey and Scott, but it was weird having other people around that actually knew what we were talking about. Usually when there is a person with us who isn't part of our usual group, we get some strange looks for some of the things we say, e.g. "Watch out for hop-ons," "To the nuts! No, the bridge mix!" and "I just blue myself." They also told us about some of the more interesting interviews they'd done and some cool stuff they had learned from other fans about the show that they were unaware of before starting the documentary. We all had a great time talking to them and it was just nice to see other fanatics of the show since they are quite rare, as we've found. Although it seems that it's hard not to be a huge fan of it after seeing it, with very few exceptions. Overall, it was a good night that was much needed after Thursday.
Saturday night was a bit more uneventful than the previous two had been, but it was still a deviation from the norm for me, since I rarely do anything. As usual, I slept in much later than I should have, and then watched the Red Wings game in the afternoon. Unfortunately, we lost to Dallas again, which is now forcing a game 6 tomorrow. Then I got a call from Jasmine inviting me to go play Mario Kart Wii at her friend Ashley's house. She also informed me that we'd be playing it on Ashley's home theater. Needless to say, I was in. I ate dinner and then picked up Jasmine and then we headed over to Ashley's. Once we went inside I was introduced to her parents and then we went downstairs. That is where I saw this.
Just off to the right is the furnace room where I intend to start living soon.
What is not displayed in this picture were the three recliners which were directly in front of me and below the camera where we would all be sitting. After I could function again after the initial happiness shock, I went and sat down in order to test if the recliners were as comfortable as they appeared to be. My hopes were confirmed. Jasmine and Ashley began setting up the Wii and syncing the remotes while I took a couple pictures that I intended to have some special alone time with later. Then we started playing Mario Kart, which was pretty great because before then I had only played it on a very small television. To give you an idea of the difference in size, each individual split screen was probably around three times larger than the entire tv that I had used before. I was happy.
After we had played quite a bit of Mario Kart and had some good times bashing the computer players, Ashley inadvertently revealed to Jasmine and me that she owned Super Smash Bros. I started chanting "Tank rape!" and Jazz quickly joined in, and then it was decided that we needed to play that for a bit. "Tank rape" is an inside joke of ours in reference to Fox's Final Smash. If you're familiar with the game, you may know what I'm talking about, if not, then basically what happens is he gets to go in gigantic tank and destroy everyone with it. We left around 11pm since I had plans around 11:30, so I dropped Jasmine off at her place and then went home.
After I got home I hung out for a few minutes and then headed over to Steve's. He was having a few people over for a bonfire and hang out with Kent. Our friend, Kent, got a job out of state for the summer so it was kind of a small going-away party. I got there, Steve and I went outside, and then he started on the bonfire. Kent got there not too long after and we sat around talking for a bit. Then I called Mikey to see if he was back from his sister's wedding to see if he wanted to stop by. I eventually got ahold of him and he came over. Then Kyle showed up and we just chatted for a bit and Mikey told us about the wedding and I made quite a few s'mores. Kent had been drinking a bottle of beer, and after he finished it Steve devised the genius plan of filling the empty bottle with gasoline and then throwing some into the fire.
After laughing about that for a bit, everyone except Mikey and I went inside. We stayed outside and he told me a bit more about the wedding until it started to rain a little bit, at which point we headed in with everyone else. When we went inside we told everyone it was starting to rain so we went out to grab some of the stuff and put the chair away, which is when this happened.
After that everyone went inside and we talked and joked around for a bit about a variety of topics, including, but not limited to, school, work, rectal examinations, drinking games, food coloring, testicle ultrasounds and Kent's car catching fire. Mikey and I left shortly after that, and then I came home and stayed awake far too late, as I've had the tendency of doing lately.
The last few days have been a bit different for me, but now it seems that things are returning to their normal and mundane ways. With the exception of the catastrophe that was Thursday night, it was a pretty welcome change, but I don't really mind the shift back to monotony. At least it's summer and I've got a few great friends to share it with.
someone use words
Monday, May 19, 2008
AD Documentary
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The WRIF Rock Girls... and the reasons they don't deserve your vote.
As you may or may not know, WRIF holds an annual contest to find a WRIF Rock Girl. On the extremely unlikely chance that someone reading this is not one of my close friends from the Metro Detroit area, WRIF is the closest thing to a rock / metal radio station in the area. They play a fairly balanced amount of classic rock and more modern rock spanning the last several decades. They've been doing this contest for three years, and the 2008 contest has been underway for a little while now. The way it works is they hold auditions at various events at bars, malls, etc. Each prospective contestant is interviewed and then 32 girls are chosen. Then the system becomes democratic. Each girl gets her own page on the WRIF web site and then listeners can check out each girl and cast their vote for who they think the next WRIF Rock Girl should be. The voting occurs in rounds: the top 16 vote getters move onto the second round, and then the contestants are halved once again to 8, and then down to 4. In the final round, consisting of the top 4 of the original 32, the girl with the largest breasts is crowned the champion.
Now, I enjoy democracy, what, with the voting and all. However, I don't know if it's the best way to go about holding a contest such as this. Although the contestants are permitted to make appearances at WRIF events during the contest to try to suade people's vote, there isn't a whole lot that can be done and the process is inherently unfair. That is why I propose a different method, one that will determine a victor based on skill and determination. After auditions are held and the Thundering 32 are chosen, the first task would be to weed out anyone who isn't committed enough by making them do something that would be considered by most to be humiliating. Here's my idea: each girl must head out to the streets and beg for change wearing only a potato sack. They will be allowed to choose their own location to do their begging, but must remain 300 yards away and out of sightline from every other contestant. Their names will be randomly drawn from a hat to decide the order in which they get to choose their locations. They will not be allowed to inform people that they are taking place in a contest. Instead all the girls will be assigned an embarrassing reason that they must communicate to the people they are asking for money from. For example, they may be suffering from severely backed up colons and must raise the money to have a vital operation performed to effectively unclog the blockage. The girls will not be allowed to accept increments of more than $5 from any given person. They will not be allowed to initiate contact with men in an attempt to get money from them, although I don't know how many guys would want to touch a girl that has just informed you that her ass is about to explode unless you give her money. Remarks from perverted men claiming that they think they know a way to relieve her intestine (use your imagination) must be met with a smile and a chuckle. Each girl will have a person appointed to monitoring them to make sure that they do not cheat and for safety reasons. The first 16 girls to collect $100 will move onto the next round. The other 16 will not be notified that they have lost and will instead be left on the street until they collect $100 or quit.
The Scandalous 16 then move onto the next round which is a triathlon taking place in Downtown Detroit. First up is the People Mover Endurance Contest. Every girl will be given the money she made from the previous round and then be made to wear expensive jewelry and given a can of bear mace with only three sprays left in it. However, they will not be aware that there are three legs to the race and will instead only be told that this round consists of the People Mover Endurance Contest. This way the tough ones will still have their bear mace for when they really need it. They will be placed on the People Mover at 4 P.M. on the night of a Detroit Red Wings playoff game. This will ensure a lot of traffic on there. The girls will not be allowed to leave the People Mover for ten hours for any reason, and then they will all be released at 2 A.M. By that time the second section of the triathlon will be in place; a Paperboy-esque obstacle course consisting of hobo hurdles, bum blockades, aggravated assault alleys and forcible rape ramps. The girls must make their way to the end of the obstacle course where twelve cars will be waiting (remember, there are 16 girls). Each girl must hijack a car and then make her way through the driving portion. The first part is to test their actual driving skills. They must navigate through a small pylon course, which will be difficult considering the car they stole will presumably not have breaks. Then they must weave around vehicle thieves that are released from prison for the sole purpose of this contest. The girls that did not make it in time to get a car will also be brought to this part of the course so that have the opportunity to steal one from one of the remaining competitors. After finishing the driving course, the girls must race to the Manoogian Mansion. When they reach the driveway they will be supplied with a new can of bear mace and the first eight girls to utilize this mace against the Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick will be advanced to the final round.
The final round will be much less complicated than its predecessors. The remaining Exulted 8 (assuming that many survive the previous round) will be placed into a large, clear plastic container with a starved syphilitic goat that is high on PCP. After the goat slaughters all eight of them and comes down from his PCP trip, he will be treated for his syphilis, the video will be posted on youtube, and the goat will be horned the WRIF Rock Goat for the year.
But, unfortunately I'm not in charge of the contest procedures, so let's get on with the article.
Each girl's page contains irrelevant information about her and a short video taken at her audition telling people why they should vote for her. The information provided about each girl is as follows: Favorite Animal, First Car, Best or Worst Date, Biggest Fear, Describe Yourself In 3 Words, Favorite Sport, and A Little Known Fact About Yourself. I don't see how any of that information pertains to being a Rock Girl at a radio station, but who am I to question the validity of the process? I mean, I certainly can't dispute the fact that describing yourself in three words is the best way to depict who you are as a person. No one can. But I was just kind of thinking that it might make more sense to have a question about music, bands, etc., because it seems just a bit more applicable to me. Anyhow, now that you know how it works, now it's time to tell you a little bit about each girl and why you shouldn't vote for them.
(Please note that I'm lazy so at the time of this writing the contest is already in round two, so the contestants have already been cut down to 16.)
Annalicia
Upon looking at her picture, I was immediately intimidated by her gigantic and shiny earrings. Her appearance does not communicate to me that she is someone that would be suitable for a Rock Girl position. She listed her favorite animal as "Puppies because they are small and soft." I could point out that it's a bit illogical to say that puppies are your favorite animal because they're actually dogs, but instead, let me ask you this. Do you know what else is small and soft? Donald Trump's penis, and no one wants anything to do with anything that can be associated with that. Hell, for all I know, that thing might even eat Puppy Chow. She also says that she hasn't "had a worst date," which is also illogical. She may not have had a bad one, but she's had a worst. Her last mistake was saying that soccer is her favorite sport because "it helps get anger out." Unfortunately for her, there is a correct response to that question: hockey. And a good thing to get anger out is to make fun of complete strangers competing in radio contests...
Carly
Carly's favorite animal is dogs because "they are a girls best friend!" Lies! Last I checked, my penis was a girl's best friend. She claims that her worst date was when a guy took her to Subway and then made her pay. Listen woman, Subway is a fine restaurant, and if you women want equality so much then maybe you should start paying us in advance for sex. When asked to describe herself in three words, her response was, "Determined, Witty." Apparently she's not determined or witty enough to think of three words to describe herself. Not surprisingly, she got the sport question wrong, saying that she likes "Detroit Pistons Basketball" because it's "entertaining with sexy men." Wrong again. She then goes on to say that something that most people don't know about her is that she has two guitars and knows "how to rock out any song that rocks! Of course this is on guitar hero." I do not feel the need to mock this as it does a sufficient job of doing it on its own. And then there's her video...
Once again, I feel like she does a satisfactory job of making fun of herself with her "rock your world" comment and her wink and point technique. But what really bothers me is her claim that she can kick anyone's ass in Guitar Hero. I present to you, Exhibit A.
I hope you like having your mind scrambled.
But I doubt you need to possess prodigious talent such as his. Hell, I could probably beat her. And she keeps bragging about having two guitars, but I doubt she's ever played two at the same time like I have.
I can dual-wield guitars.
Cristy
Of all the girls, Cristy will probably be the most difficult one to convince guys not to vote for. She is the veritable "Tits McGee" contestant and, to me, by far the most attractive. However, I must stress that you are voting for someone to be a representative of a rock radio station; you're not voting for what girl you would most like to bury your genitalia inside. Having said that, let's get to the bashing...
She says that dogs are her favorite animal because she has two and they are her "babies." I can only assume that she means that in a very literal sense which would imply that canines have sprung forth from her presumably fertile womb. The fact that she only has two is kind of disturbing; there are generally more than two puppies in a litter. This woman is irresponsible. She was either too negligent to keep all of her bastard dog babies alive, or she's been having unprotected dog-sex without considering the consequences and was forced to put a few of her children up for adoption because she couldn't support all of them. Is that the kind of person you want to be your Rock Girl?
She says that her best date is "dinner and a movie at home," which is great for me, because if she were to ever go out with me, then she would perpetually be on her best date ever, as my life consists merely of eating and watching television. This gives me a kind of demented hope that a girl like her could ever like me. I'm willing to look past the fact that she is from Florida, has puppy-children and a canine bestiality fetish; I can learn to live with that. However, she immediately decimates those hopes by saying that she is scared of basements. Fucking basements! For those of you unaware, I live in a basement, and her fear of my dwelling has the potential to cause some issues with our relationship. We also have very differing opinions on an issue that I hold very dear; the number 3. When asked to describe herself in 3 words, her response was, "Sassy, Sexy, Rock Star." I'm sorry, but I just can't see myself being with anyone whose views about the numerical system do not align with my own.
Her favorite sports are wrong as well. She likes motorcycle road racing and basketball, neither of which are acceptable answers to me. To reiterate her slutnificance (thanks Mikey) she informs everyone that she is a pole dancer.
She thinks she should be the WRIF Rock Girl "because I can down a dozen hotdogs without breathing faster than Kobayashi."
(Note: After she demonstrates her pole dance, I was forced to render myself unconscious due to empathized embarrassment by repeatedly bashing my head on my desk, so the above quote is simply speculation.
For the right offer, she can beat the bear as well.
Heather
Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of things to complain about here. Her favorite sports are cheerleading and basketball, the former of which is arguable and the latter is just incorrect. There is a very easy way for her to win my vote, though. Her fears are "tornados and clowns." If she wants my vote, all that I ask is that she be placed in a trailer with Bozo in the path of a tornado. I think that would pretty much clinch her victory.
However, there is a major problem. She said that her best date was going to a "My Chemical Romance Concert." One would generally find a statement such as this on a court-ordered testicle revocation form. Unfortunately for Heather, the WRIF's motto is "Everything that rocks." Not "Everything that desires cocks." You know that thing they have where they make a lot of noise for a few minutes that's titled "I'm Not Okay"? Well, I can relate a lot to that song, but only when I hear it, because that's generally when I'm not okay. Know what else isn't okay? The noise they make. I've got more, but I feel like I've spent enough time not making you laugh.
No. That's a bad Heather. No vote for you.
Jamee
Jamee says her "worst date was when I went on a blind date to REO Speed wagon..." Her worst date was going to a fucking REO Speedwagon concert and she's trying to become the WRIF Rock Girl?! Blasphemy!
(Note: to maintain my status as a respected journalist, I feel it necessary to point out that the above quote was taken out of extreme context and the reason it was her worst date is because "the guy didn’t even have tickets so we left..." But still, she should have been satisfied just being in a close proximity to those gods of rock!)
After her date took her to what I can only assume was a rockin' awesome concert, he then took her to dinner. She goes on to say: "He didn’t eat so I had to pay for my own food. He got road rage on the way home and still expected a kiss!" Well damn woman, you expect him to pay when he's not even eating? I still maintain that it's time for women to step up and chip in on this whole prepaid sex shenanigans. And if she had done her proper duty as a woman he would have been too busy enjoying a cherry pie with homemade crust to have gotten road rage. It's science; you can't be hateful when you're eating pie. Her failure to comply with this simple procedure leads me to believe that he deserved a lot more than a kiss at the end of the night.
Predictably, she does not declare hockey as her favorite sport, claiming instead that it is baseball.
Please, people, don't trust her! She's trying to convince people to put faith in the Tigers. All she's doing is setting up people for devastation.
Jenna
Her first car was a "99 Camero." Do I really have to say anything about that? Do you really want to vote for someone who can't even spell the name of the car she drove? Her best date was going to a Kid Rock concert. All I have to say about that is that I saw Kid Rock (or at least what appeared to be Kid Rock) turn into Neapolitan Ice Cream in a movie one time. I was ecstatic.
She claims to be fearless. I wish to test this statement. I submit that she be lathered in honey recently attained from a bee's nest. Then a hockey helmet is placed on her and, after both she and the bee's nest are shaken furiously, they are both tossed into a cage containing a hibernating black bear. A professional golfer will tee off several times directly into the black bear while "It's Raining Men" as performed by the Weather Girls is blared at the proverbial Spinal Tap 11 volume. Don't ask me why it should be that song, it just should be.
Oh, and her video...
I'm so glad she informs everyone of what her perfect date would be and says she just needs a date. It's almost as if she's trying to use her sexuality and appearance to her advantage by making it seem like she might date you. Yes, you! Right there! And it's a good thing that she has this medium to tell everyone that she needs a date, as I would imagine that it is a terrible strain for her to find a guy that would want to drink beer with her on a boat while she's wearing a bikini. I can't even imagine her struggle, but I'm willing to take one for the team here by offering myself up to go out with her under these circumstances. Just a few minor negotiations: replace the boat with my basement ('cause I don't have a boat), replace the beer with some liquor ('cause beer is disgusting), and replace the bikini with nothing ('cause the bikini might get in the way of her breasts).
Jennifer
Surprisingly, there isn't a lot to dislike here, but that doesn't necessarily imply that there's much to like. She says that her favorite animal is her "Yorkie-Poodle Daisy because she is loveable and crazy." Yeah, well, depending on who you ask, Charles Manson has those same qualities, and we all know how that turned out. She chose baseball as her favorite sport over hockey, which is cause for immediate disqualification in my book. She says that " Most people don’t know that I have an identical twin sister." Now this concerns me a little bit. She essentially has a body double that she can utilize to her advantage when she doesn't feel like working. She can just send her sister out, who I assume is kept in a cage in a basement, like the Olsen triplet.
She does manage to provide the first of several (as you'll see) Freudian slips.
In case you didn't know, it's supposed to be the "Exotic 8," but she's welcome to be in my Erotic 8. I have one of those on MySpace.
Kate
Kate is from Lincoln Park. Now, if you're going to hail from a city that (at least almost) shares a name with a rock band, then it should be Godsmack. I mean, how awesome would that be? "Where are you from, Kate?" "I'm from Godsmack, Michigan." And then she would punch the person in the temple and run.
Kate says that her favorite animals are goats because "they are chill" and if you have one then you don't have to cut your grass. Well, Kate obviously not be aware of the The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation, or she just likes the thought of children being maimed by wild mammals. According to that web site, which I can only assume is 100% factual, "over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone." Scary shit. And Kate wants you to be one of those people.
She complains that her worst date was when she went bowling and her date got really stoned and sat in the back the whole time. I'm almost positive that he smoked the marijuana for medicinal purposes, because if it wasn't then that would have been illegal and saying otherwise would be speculating that he is something other than an upstanding citizen. In essence, she is mocking cripples.
She says: "My favorite sport is Baseball, basketball and hockey because I like to hang with my friends, have a tall boy and watch some games be played." Aside from being unaware of the difference between the plural and singular forms of words, she came pretty close on this one. She did mention hockey, but she mentioned it last. But what most interested me was her mention of a tall boy. I happen to be a tall boy, and I've love to hang with her and her friends for some games, if you know what I'm saying. (If you don't, I'm saying I'd do her.)
In her video she discusses her immense musical talent.
No way! She can play "Smoke on the Water," "Brain Stew," and "Silent Night" if she tries really hard! What a coincidence, so can my penis and Billy Bob Thornton's character in Sling Blade!
Karl Childers likes his Brain Stew with them French fried potaters.
Kristine
Kristine's favorite animals are squirrels for reasons she does not explicate. She simply says that they are a favorite among her friends because of an inside joke they share. Oh, well, thanks for making all of us feel left out of the loop. She says her best date is "beer, pizza and lots of laughs." Ohhh, so close. The correct answer is "sex, pizza and lots more sex." But I can offer sex as a consolation prize.
Apparently something that most people don't know about her is that she likes to make people laugh. Wow, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone who likes making people laugh because, personally, I like eating newborn babies and then drinking the tears of their mothers, not unlike the Patagonian evil spirit Keron Kenken. The prospect of attaining joy by bringing joy to other had never crossed my mind. My baby-flesh filled mind.
And then, of course, there are her videos.
So, she enjoys hunting, or as I usually call it "killing Bambi's helpless mother." After giving reasons why you should vote for her there is a fairly long pause, as if she forgot who she wants you to vote for. And now on to her next video...
Now, a lot of these videos are reprehensible, but so far this one seems like it may be the most shameless. After reiterating that she enjoys slaughtering defenseless animals, she says that her favorite movie is Borat, and then she proceeds to shriek for a short duration and tell a blatant lie by saying "you're never gonna get this!" Then she asks you to vote for her "so you can get this every day." It appears as though she is pointing to her genitalia when she says this, which makes me wonder what exactly it is she's trying to give us. I always thought you only had to get an STD once, and then you just had it after that. No need to renew your subscription on a daily basis.
Krystina
Her favorite animals are dogs "because they are fun to play with." I feel no need to repeat it, but I think by now we all know by now what else is fun to play with (my penis). Her best date was essentially looking at lights while walking around in the wintertime and drinking hot chocolate. She said, "It was cute because he thought of it himself." It's almost as if she's saying, "ahh, look. He had a though, how adorable?" How difficult is it to think of that date? Hell, even I could have thought of that. When asked to describe herself in three words her response was, " Sarcastic, Athletic, Fun!" I'm pretty sure at least two of those were meant to be sarcastic.
In addition to perpetually having the same facial expression, Krystina also enjoys soccer. Well, I have a suggestion for her; go back to Europe where they love that sport and then tell everyone that she likes soccer. Then she will presumably be torn limb from limb and then beaten with said limbs for calling it that. And now enjoy another verbal slipup.
Geez, all these people want to be in my Erotic 8 and I don't even know them.
Sarah
This one's a bit of a toughie. She claims to "love hockey," but she quickly ruins it by saying that she likes "Detroit Basketball" as well. She says she is scared of the Wizard of Oz munchkins, although I can't imagine why. They certainly didn't haunt my nightmares for weeks or anything. She is apparently one of those people that uses the word "love" very liberally, as illustrated by her video, in which she says it three times rapid fire.
Now, either she is aware of a word that both Google and I are unfamiliar with, or she meant to say "sporadic" as one of the three words to describe herself. If this is true, then that would imply that she occurs at unpredictable and random intervals. If that's the case, she sounds a bit too unreliable to be an efficient Rock Girl. I mean, you can't just have some chick appearing out of nowhere whenever she feels like it like a fucking electron.
Sherry
Her favorite animal is the zebra because she loves that they are "so different" like she is. Well, isn't she just a precious little snowflake? She is scared "of not knowing the future events of this world," so she's probably a snowflake that lives in constant fear and probably shits herself whenever she hears a blender turn on. The three words she used to describe herself were "rocking" and "giver." It appears that she's such a generous giver that she gave her third word to Cristy. She says that most people don't know that she "burp(s) like a guy." I think it's about time that women realize that this is not sexy at all. Just stop it, all of you. Despite her saying that her favorite sport is football, there is, inexplicably, a picture of her wearing boxing gloves and holding a hockey stick.
Thief!
She obviously stole this idea from Aaron Downey, who I believe pitched the idea of replacing the original hockey glove with boxing gloves to save time back in 2005. Aaron Downey is seen below in a more current uniform (thank God) being restrained by a referee while another referee shields his presumably unconscious opponent.
God I love hockey.
Her video isn't doing her many favors either.
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy her misfortune, but I'm pretty sure this article is funnier than that story, and that's saying something.
Stacy
Stacy's favorite animals are "Pomeranian dogs because they are super fluffy and cute." Aww, well, how cute? Does anyone know what eats Pomeranian dogs, because they're my new favorite animal? She's never owned a car and one of her fears is driving. Do you really want a Rock Girl that needs to depend on one of her parents for a ride to the station to make events? I mean, really. Come on. Her best date was going to Vegas for a week and her worst date was going to Paris because "they" lost their "suite cases." What?! You consider going to f-ing Paris a date?! No. Being taken out to see Smokin' Aces and then to a French restaurant is a date. Those are vacations that had best guarantee at least nightly sex. I'm sorry, but she seems just a bit too high maintenance for this position. I mean, pretty soon she's going to start demanding a chauffeur and requesting the station to hold events in Belgium and shit, and we don't need that. Her video is a little alarming as well.
She says her "normal job, bail bonds, it's what I do." Because of people like her, we have dangerous malefactors like Kent roaming the streets.
This man is obviously crazed.
For those of you unaware, there is a hilarious and wonderful story behind this picture.
And prepare yourself for yet another Freudian slip.
My Erotic 8 is starting to look a bit full. Pretty soon I'm going to need to find a hack to make it the Erotic 16.
Tara
She says her "best date is going to the zoo and spending time with each other" and her worst is "arguing with each other in public." Well, let me ask you this; why can't you have both? I've had some great times fighting with my significant other at the zoo (or, what I'm thinking about changing it to, my "signifi-cunt," for obvious reasons.) Her favorite sport "is basketball because it is the most interesting and pumps you up!" No, no it's not. It's not interesting and it doesn't "pump you up." Hanz and Franz pump you up!
Ve are going to pump you up!
On her page there is a picture (that I was too lazy to include here) of her holding an Atreyu hockey stick for some reason that eludes me, but she's holding it all wrong. You've gotta get a firmer grip with that left hand and work the tip a little more. And now time for another shameful video.
Luckily, I don't want her to make me over.
...
Now this is where things get a little weird. The event that inspired me to write this was a MySpace bulletin posted by my friend telling everyone that she knew someone that made it to the original 32 and a few reasons why people should vote for her. After checking into it a little bit, I completely agreed, but after doing some more extensive research I became a bit conflicted because I actually found another girl that I felt might also be suitable. So, this is the part where stop being a mean-hearted, sarcastic bastard and show a little positivity.
Jacqueline
Here she is, the girl that started it all. Her picture was the first thing that struck me because she looked completely different from all the other girls. She has the appearance of a girl that's into the rock scene. She likes snakes, which is pretty badass. And, unlike almost every other girl, she said her favorite sport was hockey because it's exciting and "unpredictable." Hockey being unpredictable is true, at least to an extent, unless you're Nicklas Lidstrom, in which case you know what's going to happen before it even happens. Her best date was going to a goddamn Red Wings game! Her favorite player is Jiri Hudler. Now, I love Happy Hudler and all, but he is far from my favorite player. However, he is not a very well-known player, which shows that she actually follows the sport at least a little bit and isn't just throwing a random sport out. There really isn't a bad thing I can find to say about her, and I've looked. She even customized her wardrobe and put some little guitars on her shirt and her name on her shorts. How fuckin' sweet is that? And she has one of the few videos that actually helped her cause.
Holy shit, local music?! God, she supports local music more than the fucking WRIF does. Her second video is even pretty good, with the exception of calling it the Erotic 8...
As soon as I saw her and read her page, I was assured she had my vote, but I was mistaken.
Nicole
Nicole doesn't have the same Rock Girl look that Jackie has in her new picture, but she did a bit in the old one (new ones were posted at beginning of this round). She likes sloths, which is damn sweet. A couple of my friends and I have an inside joke about sloths dating back to about third grade. We devised an epic story about a sloth after we saw one in a video at school. She seemingly has a sense of humor based on the reason she gives for liking sloths: "have you ever seen them move? Seriously, it’s hilarious look at YouTube." Her best date was going to a Motley Crue concert, which is way better than My Chemical Romance. She's scared of fish, which I just think is kind of funny. Her favorite sport is football, but for mostly the right reasons: "because of beer, tailgating and all the hot players!" So basically she likes the sport because she gets to party and get drunk beforehand. The "hot players," however, are unacceptable. Now for possibly my favorite part of her page, her little known fact: "Most people don’t know that I love to cook! Seriously and I’m pretty good too!" I think I'm falling in love. And her video, oh my god!
I just came a little.
She has pet rats, which is almost as cool as liking sloths. She went to Specs Howard, so she actually has experience in this field. Oh, and she says she loves to cook and she's good at it. And she makes awesome pie! Probably cherry pie with homemade crust, too!
Excuse me for a moment, I need to go grab a box of tissues.
...
Now is the time to spread the sentiment of democracy. Everyone, it's not important who you vote for, just that you vote (sadly, that's probably the funniest line in this whole article). And please think for yourselves.
Now that I have finally finished this damned thing and wasted far more hours of my life on it than I should have, do me a favor and for the three of you that might actually read this, leave a comment. Tell me who you think should win and why. Be creative and give a suggestion for how you think the process should work other than voting. Anything will do, really.